The following entry was written in July 2019. Summertime with young kids is a treasure.
My eyes are closed, I'm in cat cow position when I feel my almost 4 year old wiggle his way under me as if the space between my body and my mat are a tunnel he must ninja warrior his way through.
"Bud, mommy is trying to do yoga right now."
"I want to beeee with you."
I glance at my phone and pause the it's 5 o'clock somewhere yoga podcast predicting that my child is not in the mood to put my needs above his own. I note that I've been practicing for 12 minutes and only have 15 more to go.
Out of the corner of my eye I spot my 6 year old daughter has gotten her roller blades out and is beginning the process of putting the pads on her knees.
"No no no... no rollerblading right now.. it's barely 8:30 am.. we haven't even eaten breakfast..Can anyone find it in their heart to think of mommy's needs right now?"
My plea sounded more rational when I said it than when I just typed it out.
"I try to find it in my heart every day Mom, but it's not in there." My 6 year old has a strange sense of humor (I like to think she got from me) that both breaks the tension of the moment and we throw our heads back and laugh a little.
--
I sit up- my mind walking the tightrope of hope that maybe the kids can get outside early and I can get back to stretching out my sore back that I woke up with due to falling asleep last night while nursing the baby. Parallel to my hope is the reality of what agreeing to their request will bring. We all know that roller skates are the summer version of snow suits. The amount of time it takes to outfit the children for their outing is substantially longer than the amount of time they can tolerate said outing. I am fully aware of this. But if I squash this idea, what kind of message will I send to the children about practicing to achieve your goals? How will it affect their self esteem if I remind them that they barely know how to skate anyway, so why put all the effort in? Gosh darn it, it's too early to feel the guilt for the psychological damage my children will sustain at my hand!
--
Before I can make closing arguments in the trial of my inner dialogue, the kids are strapped in their equipment and we make our way towards the kitchen to the back door. I'm barking orders to avoid perceived landmines. "Hold on! Don't move! Wait for me!" Our first casualty happens going over the threshold of the door. There are tears and hugs and I see my quiet yoga practice slipping away quicker than sand through my hands on a kid-free day at the lake. We are down the back steps and onto the driveway. Push brooms are handed out to help steady everyone. They are clonking around on their boots with wheels and it's adorable. They are having so much fun. This was worth it. I've got to capture this moment. I run inside to grab my phone and I can't find it. But it's too late. I hear tears and run back outside.
We hug, dry tears and talk about where it hurts.
"Mom, I'm all done skating." my 6 year old says. "Me too. You help me take my skates off?" chimes in my almost 4 year old.
I resist the desire to point out that I knew how this would end because my heart admires their bravery to keep trying despite past falls and I hurt when they hurt.
--
"Mom, can we watch a show?"
"Yes, yes you can." And I walk to the microwave to reheat my coffee.